Friday October 13th

~
They found your body
(& the corpus of your cat)
on a Friday, October 13th...

I'll never forget getting the call -
The one from your cousin...
Me in my Sunday dress -
curious over the strains of her small talking and then...
Her voice saying,
"Joe died."
.
.
.
.
The clarity and conviction with which I said to her,
"No."
"No!"
"I just talked to him!",
...made her second guess the finality of what she already knew to be true.
I know it did.
I could feel her hesitation...sifting through realities in her world
- up -
on the Holy alpine streches of a far-western, reaching sky...
She was considering the supernal, the supernatural -
worlds,
lives,
loves
without end.
I know she was...
Considering that you weren't "quite" gone yet...

...and...

in that instant...
realities in my world shifted too, to ........
I knew.
(NOT willing to believe it, yet...)
I knew.
You were.
&
She was - breaking - the news.

I couldn't make the funeral.
My veil would have been too thin

I've never been ground -
that deeply sad
in
all
my
days.

At least we'd talked
We'd said what we needed to say
maybe not all that we had to say
but, was it enough - ?
It mustneedsbe.
You.
So self-professedly bad at writing -
surprised me
NOT!
that you hadn't left a note...
...was I your note?
Nah.
You were never that planned.
More happenstance, perhaps...
I think...
... it seemed that way to your family...
that I was somewhat of a "Footenote" - from you...
you'd trusted me with pieces of mind, heart and soul
with shadows, doubts & fears which you'd not given over to them.

You joked with me that I knew you better than you knew yourself...

One year latter, I saw them for myself.
Your family.
I gave them every picture I ever had of you.
ok. I censured that sexy, fetching little-bathtub-one.
I figured your Momma didn't need to see that one.
=)
She was so agrieved...
Yet she was gracious and good to me.
They all were.
Laura told me of your later visit - your spiritual visit
The one to your Aunt, because her sister was too grieved for the loss of her son, for your spirit could not break through her thick tears to speak any sort of peace to her "Mother's broken heart"...
You'd plead for that to stop -
from the world of spirits -
you came, escorted no less,
a message,
a plea,
for your Momma to not grieve YOU, not so hard -
how her sad was holding you
somewhat tied...
... to her...
that...
She needed to know
that...
you were
FREE.

I tried you know,
to not grieve you so hard -
for the sudden end to your living possibilities
for "our world" minus you
I sent them a baloon for you -
that being a special thing between you and me
A blue baloon with a silver string...
and a peace rose.
and many, many prayers...
but you know all that by now, don't you?
I thought of the birthdays we'd shared...
I thought
a lot
of you.
I've stopped asking, "Why?"
I know.
You had to go, Joe.

Rest in Peace, Dear one.
It's good to know that you are free.
... I always wished you could be.
Only...
I never,
ever,
thought -
it would be like this.
Rest in Peace.
Rest in Peace.
Rest in Peace
D.~